Skip to main content

Hand Flapping

Sometimes, when I’m hypomanic, I flap my hands. I can usually make it stop if I try, but it feels better to do it. Sometimes I pace, fast. I try not to let anyone see me do these things.

I’ve heard people refer to these actions as stims, a term borrowed from the autism lexicon meaning calming repetitive motions.

These are not stims. This is psychomotor agitation. This is Brad Pitt in 12 Monkeys. It’s restless energy that needs to escape.

There’s no treatment for it in particular (besides treatment for bipolar as a whole). It’s just another symptom, a sign for me to pay attention. A disappointment when you thought things were going well.

Psychomotor agitation is embarrassing to me. There are a lot of symptoms of bipolar that no one can see from the outside, so I can pretend I have things under control, at least in front of some people. But hand flapping gives it away.



Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Brain Helpers, Part 2b

Besides everything listed in Brain Helpers Part 1 ,  science has found a number of other ways we can repair, protect, and grow our brains. I’ve collected some of them and divided them into Physical and Mental for posting purposes. Here are the Mental ones. (And here are the Physical ones.) Mental ways to repair, protect, and grow your brain Reduce stress . Too much stress kills neurons, alters brain structures, impairs memory, and leaves us more susceptible to mental illness. In bipolarites, it triggers episodes. The conversation around reducing stress won’t fit here. For now, this Harvard Health article and this NAMI list cover a lot of ground. Do puzzles . This isn’t a global fix for brain health, but it has been shown to help with attention, reasoning, and memory. Be happy . I know, I know , but happy brains are better at memory and learning, and they kick ass at neuroplasticity. There is a huge (like 30%) global increase in function in happy brains. All of this means...
Post a Comment
Read more

Manic Alone

15% of people will experience some form of depression during their lifetime. (Doesn’t it seem like that number should be higher?) 2.5% will experience bipolar. Those numbers don't matter to the person in the throes, except when it comes to finding people who get it . It’s so much easier to talk to people about depression because they’ve been there. They can empathize. But with hypo/mania, man, it can be like pouring your soul out into a dry well. All most people have to go by are pop culture references—movies that get it wrong and news articles like that one naked lady who just wanted a goddamn McDonald’s ice cream cone. And I tell you what lady, I get it. For me, being manic is way more isolating than being depressed. There’s a veritable army of depressives out there (at least in my world full of writers and women who aren’t afraid to say what’s what). But when you’re manic, it sure feels like you’re manic alone.  
Post a Comment
Read more

On Being Hypomanic

Hypomania means elevated mood and energy. When you see bipolar romanticized , it’s likely hypomania they’re talking about. Increased creativity and drive do lead to increased output, but also to obsession, neglecting loved ones and your own health. Six of the books I’ve written were first scrawled during hypomanic episodes. I know of which I speak. When I’m hypomanic, I think I’m smarter, funnier, stronger. I think I heal faster. I also have zero impulse control. Some people in hypomania go on spending sprees, gamble, or have a lot of sex. It is the worst time to make life decisions and almost impossible not to. Hypomania is addictive. It feels so good, until it doesn’t. In a depression, man, all I want is a little hit of that hypomania. Not just for the joy, the brightness, the buzz, but to feel jazzed about something, anything, to have drive and purpose. Hypomania is hard to give up (to slam the door on with long- and short-term medication) but treating the bad in this case ...
Post a Comment
Read more