blobfish-a-go-go

I have a lot of experience with suicidal ideation. What’s that? It’s fancy talk for thoughts about suicide. (Oh shit, is she just gonna talk about this, like it’s a thing that happens to a bunch of people on the regular and not a five-alarm fire? Yes, yes she is.) Suicidal thoughts can be triggered or they can be intrusive (i.e., spontaneous). Most people associate them with depression, but they can occur in hypo/manic episodes as well. Regardless of cause, they cannot be ignored. Here’s my list of what to do when the Suicide Gnome attacks.  1.      Tell someone . This is hard. This makes it real, but that’s important. If we don’t acknowledge it, it can continue to grow in the shadows. Telling someone brings it into the light. It also makes me feel like a broken crazy person, but it has to be done.   2.        Don’t ruminate or plan . Suicidal thoughts are alarming but worrying about having them only gives them more of y...

Living with suicidal ideation, for me, is like having a little gnome in my head who always gives the same bad advice: “Hrm, something went wrong? You should probably kill yourself.” Lithium makes him take long naps, but he’ll wake up at the tiniest random setback: “Oh my, you bought the wrong facial cleanser for your skin type? Time to check out.” Usually I can catch him early and tell him to fuck off back to sleep. But sometimes, when my mood is very low or very high, he gets persistent and evil (well, eviler): “The people you love would be better off without you. You’re a burden. They’ll be sad but they’ll get over it and be happier after you’re gone.” On rare occasions, he has persuaded me, but never past the planning phase. It helps to see him as separate from me, to be able to say, “These are not my thoughts.” It also helps to see him as a cartoon, in a suit jacket and scarf, with an obsessively groomed beard. As ridiculous as I can make him, I never ever blow off suicid...