blobfish-a-go-go

There are so many things we can fuck up in a flash when we aren’t in our right mind: ruined relationships, physical injury, destroyed property. Stories of going to jail or becoming homeless aren’t uncommon. And don’t forget all the fucking. Or spending money you don’t have, spending other people’s money, gambling, or making bad investments. Oh, and the drugs, because impulse control doesn’t exist, and it feels so much better to be fucked up than it feels to be me. Because I just need a goddamn break from this bullshit that is my brain. Ok, so how do we prepare for hypo/mania? *  Tell someone at the first sign. This makes it real and undercuts any denial. (This also means you need the self-awareness to watch for signs. Meditation helps with this.) *  Cancel everything. *  Take any emergency prescription drugs you have (like benzos). *  Do what calms you.   *  Stick to the routine, including sleep (<- hear that?). *  If you find y...

15% of people will experience some form of depression during their lifetime. (Doesn’t it seem like that number should be higher?) 2.5% will experience bipolar. Those numbers don't matter to the person in the throes, except when it comes to finding people who get it . It’s so much easier to talk to people about depression because they’ve been there. They can empathize. But with hypo/mania, man, it can be like pouring your soul out into a dry well. All most people have to go by are pop culture references—movies that get it wrong and news articles like that one naked lady who just wanted a goddamn McDonald’s ice cream cone. And I tell you what lady, I get it. For me, being manic is way more isolating than being depressed. There’s a veritable army of depressives out there (at least in my world full of writers and women who aren’t afraid to say what’s what). But when you’re manic, it sure feels like you’re manic alone.  

Like an olde tyme machine with different sized gears, all flying fast, barely staying in place, and the smokestack constantly whistling. Like an electrical fire inside my skin. Like a hyperactive toddler who really wants to play minigolf instead of doing the things that need to be done, who doesn’t care that it’s 97 degrees and humid as hairy armpits . Minigolf, minigolf! I wish I could actually describe to you what being hypomanic is like. But it’s a state of consciousness, so unless you’ve experienced it, the best I can do is approximate it. Alone, I switch gears fast and flap my hands. With safe people, I talk and talk and talk. Out and about I suck it in, keep a lid on it, smile too much, am extroverted and quickly disengage because I don’t want to appear CRAZY IN PUBLIC. I’m exhausted and exhausting to be around. I am in treatment. I am doing all the things I’m supposed to be doing. All of them. Still, I am hypomanic as balls right now, as very hypomanic balls. I am al...

Sometimes, when I’m hypomanic, I flap my hands. I can usually make it stop if I try, but it feels better to do it. Sometimes I pace, fast. I try not to let anyone see me do these things. I’ve heard people refer to these actions as stims, a term borrowed from the autism lexicon meaning calming repetitive motions. These are not stims. This is psychomotor agitation. This is Brad Pitt in 12 Monkeys . It’s restless energy that needs to escape. There’s no treatment for it in particular (besides treatment for bipolar as a whole). It’s just another symptom, a sign for me to pay attention. A disappointment when you thought things were going well. Psychomotor agitation is embarrassing to me. There are a lot of symptoms of bipolar that no one can see from the outside, so I can pretend I have things under control, at least in front of some people. But hand flapping gives it away.

Recently I’ve been using the word “untethered” to described how I feel. Lost, unfocused, easily overwhelmed. It took me some time to realize the opposite of untethered is grounded. So obvious, huh? I know. I never said I was quick ;-) Next step: how to get grounded? I know what it feels like: you’ve got it together, you’re self-possessed, rooted and firm. Not scattered or vulnerable to the vicissitudes of everyday life. Dream on. But maybe? There are grounding exercises , most of which include externalizing your attention or otherwise bringing yourself into the present moment, but their effect never lasts very long for me. Things that have worked are progressive relaxation, breathing exercises, and very slow yoga. But they don’t work right away. These are all practices, which means you have to develop a regular practice to reap the benefits. Have I started any of these practices? Honestly, no. I’m resistant to add more maintenance elements to my day since it feels jam-packed ...

I have a lot of experience with suicidal ideation. What’s that? It’s fancy talk for thoughts about suicide. (Oh shit, is she just gonna talk about this, like it’s a thing that happens to a bunch of people on the regular and not a five-alarm fire? Yes, yes she is.) Suicidal thoughts can be triggered or they can be intrusive (i.e., spontaneous). Most people associate them with depression, but they can occur in hypo/manic episodes as well. Regardless of cause, they cannot be ignored. Here’s my list of what to do when the Suicide Gnome attacks.  1.      Tell someone . This is hard. This makes it real, but that’s important. If we don’t acknowledge it, it can continue to grow in the shadows. Telling someone brings it into the light. It also makes me feel like a broken crazy person, but it has to be done.   2.        Don’t ruminate or plan . Suicidal thoughts are alarming but worrying about having them only gives them more of y...

Living with suicidal ideation, for me, is like having a little gnome in my head who always gives the same bad advice: “Hrm, something went wrong? You should probably kill yourself.” Lithium makes him take long naps, but he’ll wake up at the tiniest random setback: “Oh my, you bought the wrong facial cleanser for your skin type? Time to check out.” Usually I can catch him early and tell him to fuck off back to sleep. But sometimes, when my mood is very low or very high, he gets persistent and evil (well, eviler): “The people you love would be better off without you. You’re a burden. They’ll be sad but they’ll get over it and be happier after you’re gone.” On rare occasions, he has persuaded me, but never past the planning phase. It helps to see him as separate from me, to be able to say, “These are not my thoughts.” It also helps to see him as a cartoon, in a suit jacket and scarf, with an obsessively groomed beard. As ridiculous as I can make him, I never ever blow off suicid...

For years I have been honing this list of strategies that work for me when I have episodes. Is it perfect? No. Does it help? Absolutely. Will your mileage vary? Heck yeah. Will the suggestions only work if you actually implement them? Um, yes. Also, none of these are easy. Self-Care Strategies for Hypomania Tell somebody what’s going on.  Verbalizing it makes it real. Stick to the routine.  The routine will keep you in touch with your baseline, even if you’re flailing far above it. It can also keep you from doing spontaneous nonsense that leads to bad decisions. Avoid caffeine and alcohol.  Easier said than done, but so important if you don’t want to exacerbate an already explosive situation. Avoid stressors.  Put shit off. Don’t answer the aggravating calls. Let it go, for now. Stay offline.  See #4. Don’t make any big decisions.  Hypomania is all about making BIG TERRIBLE decisions. Sleep on it, write it down, ask someone you trust about i...

There are two major differences between mania and hypomania. The first is one of degree; the second is psychosis. Hypomania can do damage. It can fuck up relationships, end jobs, empty bank accounts, and all kinds of other outcomes of impaired judgment and lack of control. Mania blasts right through that stuff and into immediate extreme consequences like violence, jail time, and/or hospitalization. Complete detonation. And if there is any kind of deviation from reality, that is, by definition, mania. Delusions, hallucination, extreme paranoia—any form of psychosis that can’t be attributed to another diagnosis like schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder—that’s mania. And mania means bipolar 1. But again it might be a matter of degree. During the worst of my episodes, I experienced paranoia and inflated self-esteem (delusions of grandeur), but not enough to get my label switched from 2 to 1. Bipolar 2 is like a thunderstorm­—there’s lightning, wind, a deluge even. It’s a littl...

Hypomania means elevated mood and energy. When you see bipolar romanticized , it’s likely hypomania they’re talking about. Increased creativity and drive do lead to increased output, but also to obsession, neglecting loved ones and your own health. Six of the books I’ve written were first scrawled during hypomanic episodes. I know of which I speak. When I’m hypomanic, I think I’m smarter, funnier, stronger. I think I heal faster. I also have zero impulse control. Some people in hypomania go on spending sprees, gamble, or have a lot of sex. It is the worst time to make life decisions and almost impossible not to. Hypomania is addictive. It feels so good, until it doesn’t. In a depression, man, all I want is a little hit of that hypomania. Not just for the joy, the brightness, the buzz, but to feel jazzed about something, anything, to have drive and purpose. Hypomania is hard to give up (to slam the door on with long- and short-term medication) but treating the bad in this case ...