How I Keep from Killing Myself

I have a lot of experience with suicidal ideation. What’s that? It’s fancy talk for thoughts about suicide. (Oh shit, is she just gonna talk about this, like it’s a thing that happens to a bunch of people on the regular and not a five-alarm fire? Yes, yes she is.)

Suicidal thoughts can be triggered or they can be intrusive (i.e., spontaneous). Most people associate them with depression, but they can occur in hypo/manic episodes as well.

Regardless of cause, they cannot be ignored. Here’s my list of what to do when the Suicide Gnome attacks.

1. Tell someone. This is hard. This makes it real, but that’s important. If we don’t acknowledge it, it can continue to grow in the shadows. Telling someone brings it into the light. It also makes me feel like a broken crazy person, but it has to be done.

2. Don’t ruminate or plan. Suicidal thoughts are alarming but worrying about having them only gives them more of your attention. Notice, then act. Don’t dwell. Also don’t let yourself start planning how you would do it. Nip that shit in the bud.

3. Distraction. Do whatever works to turn your brain in a different direction. Maybe it's music or videos, watching/rewatching favorite shows, getting out the house. But the best for me is people, like visiting a friend, in person if possible.

4. Don’t go on social media. ‘Nuff said.

5. Take a short-term drug to change your brain. For me that’s usually Xanax. But sometimes, if I’m in a depression, a substantial amount of caffeine will do it (because I don't drink it regularly). If I’m hypomanic, caffeine is a terrible idea.

6. Enlist support. If the thoughts still won’t go back in their box, I have called friends or family members to sit with me. It’s a hard ask, but necessary. Crisis hotlines fall under this category.

7. Call the doc. When it’s bad-bad, I call my psychiatrist and we work something out (usually increasing certain prescriptions) to keep me out of the hospital.

So far I'm still alive. Maybe different tools will work for you. The important thing is to have a plan.

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