How I Keep from Killing Myself

I have a lot of experience with suicidal ideation. What’s that? It’s fancy talk for thoughts about suicide. (Oh shit, is she just gonna talk about this, like it’s a thing that happens to a bunch of people on the regular and not a five-alarm fire? Yes, yes she is.)

Suicidal thoughts can be triggered or they can be intrusive (i.e., spontaneous). Most people associate them with depression, but they can occur in hypo/manic episodes as well.

Regardless of cause, they cannot be ignored. Here’s my list of what to do when the Suicide Gnome attacks.

1. Tell someone. This is hard. This makes it real, but that’s important. If we don’t acknowledge it, it can continue to grow in the shadows. Telling someone brings it into the light. It also makes me feel like a broken crazy person, but it has to be done.

2. Don’t ruminate or plan. Suicidal thoughts are alarming but worrying about having them only gives them more of your attention. Notice, then act. Don’t dwell. Also don’t let yourself start planning how you would do it. Nip that shit in the bud.

3. Distraction. Do whatever works to turn your brain in a different direction. Maybe it's music or videos, watching/rewatching favorite shows, getting out the house. But the best for me is people, like visiting a friend, in person if possible.

4. Don’t go on social media. ‘Nuff said.

5. Take a short-term drug to change your brain. For me that’s usually Xanax. But sometimes, if I’m in a depression, a substantial amount of caffeine will do it (because I don't drink it regularly). If I’m hypomanic, caffeine is a terrible idea.

6. Enlist support. If the thoughts still won’t go back in their box, I have called friends or family members to sit with me. It’s a hard ask, but necessary. Crisis hotlines fall under this category.

7. Call the doc. When it’s bad-bad, I call my psychiatrist and we work something out (usually increasing certain prescriptions) to keep me out of the hospital.

So far I'm still alive. Maybe different tools will work for you. The important thing is to have a plan.

Comments

Embrace the Cheese

Why is it so hard to be kind to ourselves—gentle, caring, compassionate—when inside and recovering from an episode? Because we are not who we grew up wanting to be, thinking we’d become. In that sense, we are failures. Because we are reminded every morning with that first pill that something is wrong with us, will always be wrong with us. Because we were taught to be strong women and men. We were taught that if we worked hard enough, were smart enough, we could do anything . Solve the problem! Pull yourself up by your bootstraps! “Pure Horatio Alger,” says Hunter Thompson, which should be our first clue if not our forty-seventh. It’s hard to be kind, gentle, compassionate, when our brains are incessantly tearing us down, trying to get us to give up, give all the way up. It’s hard not to believe your own brain. But we have to believe we deserve kindness and compassion from ourselves. It takes work. I’m certainly still working on it. It takes mindfulness and self-remembering...

Self-Care for Bipolar Depression

Similar to the list for Self-Carefor Hypomanic Episodes , this is the one I use for depression. Some entries are exactly the same, but they work differently here. Self-Care Strategies for Bipolar Depression Tell someone what’s going on. Verbalizing it makes it real and lets you know you’re not alone. Stick to the routine . The routine will get you out of bed. The routine will get you fed and showered. Let the routine take care of you. Try caffeine. If you aren’t addicted to caffeine and it still has the effect of giving you a little jolt, sometimes it can help. Be sure you aren’t in a mixed episode first though. Avoid stressors. Fuck em. Distract, distract, distract. My go-to is streaming. I save a few favorite shows for the shittiest of times. Some people find more comfort in rewatching. Maybe your go-to is music, drawing, reading, video games. Whatever you can hand your brain over to for safe keeping, do that. Limit social media. Funny memes? Sure. Doom scrolli...

Sleep

All of my life, nighttime has been my favorite time. I’m most at peace, most relaxed and myself at night, when the world has gone to bed. When there is no more work, no chores or errands, and the phone can safely be ignored. Loved ones sleep soundly, needing nothing from me, and I am free to write, to read, to watch old movies, to unwind completely, stay up late in the quiet dark, and simply be. But the number one signal/trigger of a bipolar episode is disturbed sleep. My respite has consequences. So now my sleep hygiene (such a Dr. Kellogg kind of term) is perfect. A good eight hours every night (drug induced if need be). No caffeine after three, if at all. No alcohol. No wild nights out. The choice is follow the routine or lose even more days to the disorder. Be good or else.

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