How I Keep from Killing Myself

I have a lot of experience with suicidal ideation. What’s that? It’s fancy talk for thoughts about suicide. (Oh shit, is she just gonna talk about this, like it’s a thing that happens to a bunch of people on the regular and not a five-alarm fire? Yes, yes she is.)

Suicidal thoughts can be triggered or they can be intrusive (i.e., spontaneous). Most people associate them with depression, but they can occur in hypo/manic episodes as well.

Regardless of cause, they cannot be ignored. Here’s my list of what to do when the Suicide Gnome attacks.

1. Tell someone. This is hard. This makes it real, but that’s important. If we don’t acknowledge it, it can continue to grow in the shadows. Telling someone brings it into the light. It also makes me feel like a broken crazy person, but it has to be done.

2. Don’t ruminate or plan. Suicidal thoughts are alarming but worrying about having them only gives them more of your attention. Notice, then act. Don’t dwell. Also don’t let yourself start planning how you would do it. Nip that shit in the bud.

3. Distraction. Do whatever works to turn your brain in a different direction. Maybe it's music or videos, watching/rewatching favorite shows, getting out the house. But the best for me is people, like visiting a friend, in person if possible.

4. Don’t go on social media. ‘Nuff said.

5. Take a short-term drug to change your brain. For me that’s usually Xanax. But sometimes, if I’m in a depression, a substantial amount of caffeine will do it (because I don't drink it regularly). If I’m hypomanic, caffeine is a terrible idea.

6. Enlist support. If the thoughts still won’t go back in their box, I have called friends or family members to sit with me. It’s a hard ask, but necessary. Crisis hotlines fall under this category.

7. Call the doc. When it’s bad-bad, I call my psychiatrist and we work something out (usually increasing certain prescriptions) to keep me out of the hospital.

So far I'm still alive. Maybe different tools will work for you. The important thing is to have a plan.

Comments

Rapid Cycling

To earn a rapid cycling badge, a person has to have four or more episodes in a year. Good times! I can’t begin to imagine what that’s like with full-blown mania. Hypomania and depression are enough, thanks! Before I got an accurate diagnosis and serviceable meds, I rarely went two weeks before starting a new episode. Up, down, up, down, up, down. It took years of work to figure out my baseline, i.e., what it feels like to just be me. I still have 4–10 days every few weeks when I’m very up, very down, or first one and then the other. I know some of my triggers: stress, lack of sleep, too much alcohol or caffeine. But some episodes come out of the blue. Rapid cycling means you never know. It means you can be in the middle of an exceptionally bad day before you realize, “Oh, this is depressive irritability” or whatever. And then you’re supposed to have the presence of mind to apply the tools that help you minimize any damage. Which is to say, it gets the jump on you, and because...

What Bipolar Does to the Brain

I’ve been researching what bipolar does to the brain and seriously—fuck. There’s both a lot more research than my 25-year-old B.A. in Psychology could assimilate and not nearly enough. A layperson’s book on the subject is sorely needed. Here’s the gist. * There’s solid evidence that the dysfunction during depressive and manic states causes changes that persist into our baseline states. * There are several neurotransmitters involved: dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, GABA (gamma-aminobutyrate), glutamate, and acetylcholine at the least. And hormones that act like neurotransmitters are in the mix, too, like endorphins and oxytocin. * Brain structures yet discovered to be involved/affected include areas of the prefrontal and temporal lobes, the hippocampus, thalamus, and hypothalamus. * Bipolar affects both grey and white matter, meaning both the structural elements of the brain and the connective tissue between them. And by affects, I mean corrodes over time. There’s mor...

Brain Helpers, Part 2b

Besides everything listed in Brain Helpers Part 1 , science has found a number of other ways we can repair, protect, and grow our brains. I’ve collected some of them and divided them into Physical and Mental for posting purposes. Here are the Mental ones. (And here are the Physical ones.) Mental ways to repair, protect, and grow your brain Reduce stress . Too much stress kills neurons, alters brain structures, impairs memory, and leaves us more susceptible to mental illness. In bipolarites, it triggers episodes. The conversation around reducing stress won’t fit here. For now, this Harvard Health article and this NAMI list cover a lot of ground. Do puzzles . This isn’t a global fix for brain health, but it has been shown to help with attention, reasoning, and memory. Be happy . I know, I know , but happy brains are better at memory and learning, and they kick ass at neuroplasticity. There is a huge (like 30%) global increase in function in happy brains. All of this means...

blobfish-a-go-go

Search This Blog