blobfish-a-go-go

Depression doesn’t always look like Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice. Yes, sometimes it’s The Sads. But sometimes it’s The Blahs, a.k.a. anhedonia, when you cannot muster a single shit to give about anything. And sometimes it’s a COSMIC VOID that swallows the universe leaving nothing but an infinite expanse of nothing. I’m sure there are other classifications, too. And none is worse than another. Each one, left unattended, will grow and can possibly lead to the dark place , i.e., suicidal ideation . The Sads is a painful state. “No one cares,” The Sads says. “Don’t try to connect, you’ll only annoy them.”   “What is wrong now will always be wrong; what isn’t wrong yet soon will be; and you can’t do anything to change it.” The Blahs make life meaningless. Everything is beige. Should I pick up my phone or stare at the wall? The only saving grace is that there usually isn’t anything to tip the scales toward ending things. THE VOID is terrifying, The Blahs on steroids. It is zoned out,

Over the last two years I’ve built a “social calendar” of weekly in-person or, more often (thanks COVID), virtual get-togethers. Mostly they are play (cards with my parents, movies or favorite tv shows with friends), but some of them are work (shared constructive time, support group, therapy). These interactions are super important to my wellbeing. They give me something to look forward to. They offer connection and distraction. They keep me from feeling stagnant and help me feel grounded. One week, not long ago, everything fell through. People had other one-off events, health issues, visitors from out of town. And suddenly my world felt very small. People are necessary. It doesn’t have to be heavy, we just need people to be people around. People to laugh with, to care for, to exist with. It’s everything really, at least to me. Without people to be a person with (as often as it suits you), what’s life about? One week without my people—I went a little stir crazy, the world got a

I have the distinct displeasure, along with a lot of other folks with mental illness, of being super sensitive to psychiatric drugs.  This week I was instructed to increase the dosage of a pill I’ve been taking for years by a quarter tab.  Day one, I got (1) the jitters, (2) irritability, (3) aggravation, and finally (4) full blown seething hate by 2:00 p.m. Day two I sequestered myself to protect my relationships. Most people think that psychiatric drugs will just zonk you out. And some do, but you never know. (Another thing you never know.) And man, I’d take zonked over this aggro shit any day. Taking mood “stabilizers” is a lot like spinning a wheel of fortune where every space is a different emotion or degree of emotion. And there are multiple arrows and infinite combinations. No wonder finding the right combination of drugs for any particular brain often takes serious perseverance. On doctor’s orders, I am returning to my previous dosage as of today and will be on Xanax unti

Every brain is unique. Bipolar brains are unique in a similarly maladaptive way to each other, but even then, they are unique from each other too. Because of this, drugs that affect the brain can affect bipolar brains differently than they affect nonbipolar brains and other bipolar brains. That’s why it can take years to discover the right cocktail of medications to help and/or stabilize a bipolar brain. That’s why the drug I was prescribed for heartburn could send me into a raging suicidal depression. That’s why so many people discover they have bipolar when they are prescribed an antidepressant and end up with an episode that sends them to the psych ward. That’s why the drug I’m on to (hopefully) attenuate the nerve damage in my leg, which the pain specialist said might make me “a little groggy,” has me holding-the-walls stoned and thinking one thought on repeat for five minutes at a time. Every new drug is an experiment. Every combination a risk. Just another perk of be

Sometimes, when I’m hypomanic, I flap my hands. I can usually make it stop if I try, but it feels better to do it. Sometimes I pace, fast. I try not to let anyone see me do these things. I’ve heard people refer to these actions as stims, a term borrowed from the autism lexicon meaning calming repetitive motions. These are not stims. This is psychomotor agitation. This is Brad Pitt in 12 Monkeys . It’s restless energy that needs to escape. There’s no treatment for it in particular (besides treatment for bipolar as a whole). It’s just another symptom, a sign for me to pay attention. A disappointment when you thought things were going well. Psychomotor agitation is embarrassing to me. There are a lot of symptoms of bipolar that no one can see from the outside, so I can pretend I have things under control, at least in front of some people. But hand flapping gives it away.

Recently I’ve been using the word “untethered” to described how I feel. Lost, unfocused, easily overwhelmed. It took me some time to realize the opposite of untethered is grounded. So obvious, huh? I know. I never said I was quick ;-) Next step: how to get grounded? I know what it feels like: you’ve got it together, you’re self-possessed, rooted and firm. Not scattered or vulnerable to the vicissitudes of everyday life. Dream on. But maybe? There are grounding exercises , most of which include externalizing your attention or otherwise bringing yourself into the present moment, but their effect never lasts very long for me. Things that have worked are progressive relaxation, breathing exercises, and very slow yoga. But they don’t work right away. These are all practices, which means you have to develop a regular practice to reap the benefits. Have I started any of these practices? Honestly, no. I’m resistant to add more maintenance elements to my day since it feels jam-packed

I have a lot of experience with suicidal ideation. What’s that? It’s fancy talk for thoughts about suicide. (Oh shit, is she just gonna talk about this, like it’s a thing that happens to a bunch of people on the regular and not a five-alarm fire? Yes, yes she is.) Suicidal thoughts can be triggered or they can be intrusive (i.e., spontaneous). Most people associate them with depression, but they can occur in hypo/manic episodes as well. Regardless of cause, they cannot be ignored. Here’s my list of what to do when the Suicide Gnome attacks.  1.      Tell someone . This is hard. This makes it real, but that’s important. If we don’t acknowledge it, it can continue to grow in the shadows. Telling someone brings it into the light. It also makes me feel like a broken crazy person, but it has to be done.   2.        Don’t ruminate or plan . Suicidal thoughts are alarming but worrying about having them only gives them more of your attention. Notice, then act. Don’t dwell. Also don’t le

Living with suicidal ideation, for me, is like having a little gnome in my head who always gives the same bad advice: “Hrm, something went wrong? You should probably kill yourself.” Lithium makes him take long naps, but he’ll wake up at the tiniest random setback: “Oh my, you bought the wrong facial cleanser for your skin type? Time to check out.” Usually I can catch him early and tell him to fuck off back to sleep. But sometimes, when my mood is very low or very high, he gets persistent and evil (well, eviler): “The people you love would be better off without you. You’re a burden. They’ll be sad but they’ll get over it and be happier after you’re gone.” On rare occasions, he has persuaded me, but never past the planning phase. It helps to see him as separate from me, to be able to say, “These are not my thoughts.” It also helps to see him as a cartoon, in a suit jacket and scarf, with an obsessively groomed beard. As ridiculous as I can make him, I never ever blow off suicid

Similar to the list for Self-Carefor Hypomanic Episodes , this is the one I use for depression. Some entries are exactly the same, but they work differently here. Self-Care Strategies for Bipolar Depression Tell someone what’s going on. Verbalizing it makes it real and lets you know you’re not alone. Stick to the routine . The routine will get you out of bed. The routine will get you fed and showered. Let the routine take care of you. Try caffeine. If you aren’t addicted to caffeine and it still has the effect of giving you a little jolt, sometimes it can help. Be sure you aren’t in a mixed episode first though. Avoid stressors. Fuck em. Distract, distract, distract.  My go-to is streaming. I save a few favorite shows for the shittiest of times. Some people find more comfort in rewatching. Maybe your go-to is music, drawing, reading, video games. Whatever you can hand your brain over to for safe keeping, do that.  Limit social media. Funny memes? Sure. Doom scrolling? Nope.

For years I have been honing this list of strategies that work for me when I have episodes. Is it perfect? No. Does it help? Absolutely. Will your mileage vary? Heck yeah. Will the suggestions only work if you actually implement them? Um, yes. Also, none of these are easy. Self-Care Strategies for Hypomania Tell somebody what’s going on.  Verbalizing it makes it real. Stick to the routine.  The routine will keep you in touch with your baseline, even if you’re flailing far above it. It can also keep you from doing spontaneous nonsense that leads to bad decisions. Avoid caffeine and alcohol.  Easier said than done, but so important if you don’t want to exacerbate an already explosive situation. Avoid stressors.  Put shit off. Don’t answer the aggravating calls. Let it go, for now. Stay offline.  See #4. Don’t make any big decisions.  Hypomania is all about making BIG TERRIBLE decisions. Sleep on it, write it down, ask someone you trust about it and believe them, change di

(This entry blows my  usual 200 word limit out of the water, but because it's a listicle, I think it works best as one post.) If you spend much time at all in bipolar groups, you’ll eventually hear someone say “Bipolar is a fulltime job,” and then a bunch of people will nod their heads.  This might not be true for everyone. I guess some people can get their meds sorted and be on their way. But for the rest of us, we have to deeply invest in self-care. And it can absolutely take up 8 hours a day or more. What do I mean by self-care for bipolar? Well, there’s self-care between episodes, to help minimize their occurrence, and there’s self-care during episodes, to help minimize the damage they create. I'm gonna start with preventative self-care. Here are 10 self-care suggestions that I’ve found helpful.   #1 Establish a routine and stick to it .  Include -            sleep -           medication -           hygiene -           nutritious food -           exercis