blobfish-a-go-go

15% of people will experience some form of depression during their lifetime. (Doesn’t it seem like that number should be higher?) 2.5% will experience bipolar. Those numbers don't matter to the person in the throes, except when it comes to finding people who get it . It’s so much easier to talk to people about depression because they’ve been there. They can empathize. But with hypo/mania, man, it can be like pouring your soul out into a dry well. All most people have to go by are pop culture references—movies that get it wrong and news articles like that one naked lady who just wanted a goddamn McDonald’s ice cream cone. And I tell you what lady, I get it. For me, being manic is way more isolating than being depressed. There’s a veritable army of depressives out there (at least in my world full of writers and women who aren’t afraid to say what’s what). But when you’re manic, it sure feels like you’re manic alone.  

Depression doesn’t always look like Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice. Yes, sometimes it’s The Sads. But sometimes it’s The Blahs, a.k.a. anhedonia, when you cannot muster a single shit to give about anything. And sometimes it’s a COSMIC VOID that swallows the universe leaving nothing but an infinite expanse of nothing. I’m sure there are other classifications, too. And none is worse than another. Each one, left unattended, will grow and can possibly lead to the dark place , i.e., suicidal ideation . The Sads is a painful state. “No one cares,” The Sads says. “Don’t try to connect, you’ll only annoy them.”   “What is wrong now will always be wrong; what isn’t wrong yet soon will be; and you can’t do anything to change it.” The Blahs make life meaningless. Everything is beige. Should I pick up my phone or stare at the wall? The only saving grace is that there usually isn’t anything to tip the scales toward ending things. THE VOID is terrifying, The Blahs on steroids. It is zoned o...

I have a lot of experience with suicidal ideation. What’s that? It’s fancy talk for thoughts about suicide. (Oh shit, is she just gonna talk about this, like it’s a thing that happens to a bunch of people on the regular and not a five-alarm fire? Yes, yes she is.) Suicidal thoughts can be triggered or they can be intrusive (i.e., spontaneous). Most people associate them with depression, but they can occur in hypo/manic episodes as well. Regardless of cause, they cannot be ignored. Here’s my list of what to do when the Suicide Gnome attacks.  1.      Tell someone . This is hard. This makes it real, but that’s important. If we don’t acknowledge it, it can continue to grow in the shadows. Telling someone brings it into the light. It also makes me feel like a broken crazy person, but it has to be done.   2.        Don’t ruminate or plan . Suicidal thoughts are alarming but worrying about having them only gives them more of y...

Living with suicidal ideation, for me, is like having a little gnome in my head who always gives the same bad advice: “Hrm, something went wrong? You should probably kill yourself.” Lithium makes him take long naps, but he’ll wake up at the tiniest random setback: “Oh my, you bought the wrong facial cleanser for your skin type? Time to check out.” Usually I can catch him early and tell him to fuck off back to sleep. But sometimes, when my mood is very low or very high, he gets persistent and evil (well, eviler): “The people you love would be better off without you. You’re a burden. They’ll be sad but they’ll get over it and be happier after you’re gone.” On rare occasions, he has persuaded me, but never past the planning phase. It helps to see him as separate from me, to be able to say, “These are not my thoughts.” It also helps to see him as a cartoon, in a suit jacket and scarf, with an obsessively groomed beard. As ridiculous as I can make him, I never ever blow off suicid...

Similar to the list for Self-Carefor Hypomanic Episodes , this is the one I use for depression. Some entries are exactly the same, but they work differently here. Self-Care Strategies for Bipolar Depression Tell someone what’s going on. Verbalizing it makes it real and lets you know you’re not alone. Stick to the routine . The routine will get you out of bed. The routine will get you fed and showered. Let the routine take care of you. Try caffeine. If you aren’t addicted to caffeine and it still has the effect of giving you a little jolt, sometimes it can help. Be sure you aren’t in a mixed episode first though. Avoid stressors. Fuck em. Distract, distract, distract.  My go-to is streaming. I save a few favorite shows for the shittiest of times. Some people find more comfort in rewatching. Maybe your go-to is music, drawing, reading, video games. Whatever you can hand your brain over to for safe keeping, do that.  Limit social media. Funny memes? Sure. Doom scrolli...