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Showing posts with the label rapid cycling bipolar

Give In vs. Fight

Already you know this is a false dichotomy, but it is my false dichotomy! The one I struggle with during every single episode. Although, usually, I weigh in heavily on the side of fight. But I get ahead of myself. What the fuck am I talking about? During a bipolar episode, the mood wants you stay in bed; wallow; all carbs, only carbs. Or let’sgo-dothething-postwithoutediting-makeithappen-goplay-revrevrev. You get the point—give in. My immediate reaction, once I figure out what’s going on, is to tell it NO. I don’t want to be in an episode. If I just do the right thing, think the right thing, it will go away and I will be me again. I fight hard, but the fighting feeds into the mood: I’m failing at life because I can’t control this; I’ll read every single thing about bipolar until I find my fix. When really, the best way to handle an episode is probably self-compassion. I say probably because I’m awful at it and can’t speak from experience. But I’m going to try being gentle with my...

Sorry

Rapid cycling bipolar means always having to say you’re sorry. Sorry I said that. Sorry I can’t make it. Sorry I promised to do something I can’t now. Sorry I can’t stop crying. Sorry I got busy (with some bullshit) and forgot. Sorry I’ve changed my mind, again. Sorry I was angry over nothing. Sorry I stopped speaking. Sorry I’m so high maintenance. Sorry I can’t be around people right now. Sorry I talked all night and didn’t let you sleep. Sorry I canceled our plans, again. Sorry I wasn’t listening. Sorry I have the emotional self-regulation of a toddler. Sorry there aren’t more good days. But there are more than there used to be.

Rapid Cycling

To earn a rapid cycling badge, a person has to have four or more episodes in a year. Good times! I can’t begin to imagine what that’s like with full-blown mania. Hypomania and depression are enough, thanks! Before I got an accurate diagnosis and serviceable meds, I rarely went two weeks before starting a new episode. Up, down, up, down, up, down. It took years of work to figure out my baseline, i.e., what it feels like to just be me. I still have 4–10 days every few weeks when I’m very up, very down, or first one and then the other. I know some of my triggers: stress, lack of sleep, too much alcohol or caffeine. But some episodes come out of the blue. Rapid cycling means you never know. It means you can be in the middle of an exceptionally bad day before you realize, “Oh, this is depressive irritability” or whatever. And then you’re supposed to have the presence of mind to apply the tools that help you minimize any damage. Which is to say, it gets the jump on you, and because...