The Suicide Gnome

Living with suicidal ideation, for me, is like having a little gnome in my head who always gives the same bad advice: “Hrm, something went wrong? You should probably kill yourself.”

Lithium makes him take long naps, but he’ll wake up at the tiniest random setback: “Oh my, you bought the wrong facial cleanser for your skin type? Time to check out.”

Usually I can catch him early and tell him to fuck off back to sleep. But sometimes, when my mood is very low or very high, he gets persistent and evil (well, eviler): “The people you love would be better off without you. You’re a burden. They’ll be sad but they’ll get over it and be happier after you’re gone.”

On rare occasions, he has persuaded me, but never past the planning phase.

It helps to see him as separate from me, to be able to say, “These are not my thoughts.” It also helps to see him as a cartoon, in a suit jacket and scarf, with an obsessively groomed beard.

As ridiculous as I can make him, I never ever blow off suicidal ideation. I used to, and it always grew more serious. So here is How I Keep from Killing Myself.

Comments

Embrace the Cheese

Why is it so hard to be kind to ourselves—gentle, caring, compassionate—when inside and recovering from an episode? Because we are not who we grew up wanting to be, thinking we’d become. In that sense, we are failures. Because we are reminded every morning with that first pill that something is wrong with us, will always be wrong with us. Because we were taught to be strong women and men. We were taught that if we worked hard enough, were smart enough, we could do anything . Solve the problem! Pull yourself up by your bootstraps! “Pure Horatio Alger,” says Hunter Thompson, which should be our first clue if not our forty-seventh. It’s hard to be kind, gentle, compassionate, when our brains are incessantly tearing us down, trying to get us to give up, give all the way up. It’s hard not to believe your own brain. But we have to believe we deserve kindness and compassion from ourselves. It takes work. I’m certainly still working on it. It takes mindfulness and self-remembering...

Self-Care for Bipolar Depression

Similar to the list for Self-Carefor Hypomanic Episodes , this is the one I use for depression. Some entries are exactly the same, but they work differently here. Self-Care Strategies for Bipolar Depression Tell someone what’s going on. Verbalizing it makes it real and lets you know you’re not alone. Stick to the routine . The routine will get you out of bed. The routine will get you fed and showered. Let the routine take care of you. Try caffeine. If you aren’t addicted to caffeine and it still has the effect of giving you a little jolt, sometimes it can help. Be sure you aren’t in a mixed episode first though. Avoid stressors. Fuck em. Distract, distract, distract. My go-to is streaming. I save a few favorite shows for the shittiest of times. Some people find more comfort in rewatching. Maybe your go-to is music, drawing, reading, video games. Whatever you can hand your brain over to for safe keeping, do that. Limit social media. Funny memes? Sure. Doom scrolli...

Brain Helpers, Part 2b

Besides everything listed in Brain Helpers Part 1 , science has found a number of other ways we can repair, protect, and grow our brains. I’ve collected some of them and divided them into Physical and Mental for posting purposes. Here are the Mental ones. (And here are the Physical ones.) Mental ways to repair, protect, and grow your brain Reduce stress . Too much stress kills neurons, alters brain structures, impairs memory, and leaves us more susceptible to mental illness. In bipolarites, it triggers episodes. The conversation around reducing stress won’t fit here. For now, this Harvard Health article and this NAMI list cover a lot of ground. Do puzzles . This isn’t a global fix for brain health, but it has been shown to help with attention, reasoning, and memory. Be happy . I know, I know , but happy brains are better at memory and learning, and they kick ass at neuroplasticity. There is a huge (like 30%) global increase in function in happy brains. All of this means...

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