The Suicide Gnome

Living with suicidal ideation, for me, is like having a little gnome in my head who always gives the same bad advice: “Hrm, something went wrong? You should probably kill yourself.”

Lithium makes him take long naps, but he’ll wake up at the tiniest random setback: “Oh my, you bought the wrong facial cleanser for your skin type? Time to check out.”

Usually I can catch him early and tell him to fuck off back to sleep. But sometimes, when my mood is very low or very high, he gets persistent and evil (well, eviler): “The people you love would be better off without you. You’re a burden. They’ll be sad but they’ll get over it and be happier after you’re gone.”

On rare occasions, he has persuaded me, but never past the planning phase.

It helps to see him as separate from me, to be able to say, “These are not my thoughts.” It also helps to see him as a cartoon, in a suit jacket and scarf, with an obsessively groomed beard.

As ridiculous as I can make him, I never ever blow off suicidal ideation. I used to, and it always grew more serious. So here is How I Keep from Killing Myself.

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