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What to Say

Just like there are things not to say, there are things it helps to say. Again, there are lists online, so I will mention the three that do the most for me when I am in the throes of it.

1. Would you like some company?

This one is AMAZING. It says I don’t care how fucked up you are, I will still be there. It says I will take action to make sure you’re ok rather than just send you platitudes and memes. Company can be a grounding force and a welcome time-eating distraction. Or company can be unwelcome. Even so, the offer means the world.

2. Hold on. This will end.

It feels permanent. It’s an all-encompassing state of consciousness that tricks us into forgetting what life is like outside of it. Being prompted to remember what’s on the other side turns the hard times into hard work with a meaningful payoff.

3. What coping strategies are working best?

At first, this can be a slap in the face. Inside an episode, we can forget that coping strategies even exist. These altered states are powerful and self-perpetuating. It’s easy to see them as parasites, altering our consciousness to their benefit. Asking about coping strategies can cause defensive reactions if a person isn’t using them. I have gone from “Oh fuck, I forgot about those” to “I’m an idiot” to “None of them work, that’s why I’m not using them” in the space of 30 seconds. But then, given some time, I remember where I keep my list of coping strategies and begin to implement them. 

On the other hand, asking this question can allow a person to share how they’ve been practicing self-care and cement a feel-good win for them. Either way, the question, while a difficult one, can be helpful.



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